MEN! please stay away from the supermarket!

GENERALLY speaking, girls like to shop. For many of us the urge to visit retail emporia on a regular basis is hard wired into our DNA. While the weekly food shopping venture is technically shopping, it cannot exactly be classed as fun but it is essential and is usually a job for the girls.

Quite apart from the utter dullness of supermarket shopping, the ridiculous amount of choice and the fact that most of the contents of the shopping list isn’t even stuff you are going to consume, there is also the hideous shock at the till when you realise you have just spent £87…for the second time this week.

But before you have even walked through the sliding doors, narrowly avoiding having to taste some nasty chicken tikka reconstituted snack, you have had to fend off not only the bucket jangling guilt-making charity workers, but also negotiate your way around the car park.

Ah…the supermarket car park. Chaos, at the best of times.

I am convinced that some people go and drive around supermarket car parks just to get some practice in before trying their hand on the dodgems. Driving standards generally are pretty poor but there are two distinct groups of drivers who should be avoided at all costs in supermarket car parks.

Any mother in a large car with small children in tow should be given a very wide berth. I have been a mother with small children in a large car and to be honest I was a bit of a liability-in supermarket car parks AND elsewhere so I am very aware of what they are up against. However, I would urge them all to consider online shopping, if only to prevent more dents in their wings and fewer potential casualties.

The other type of driver to be avoided is the reluctant lone male shopper. With list in hand and fists clenched tightly around the trolley, the attached lone male shopper quite simply does not want to be in a supermarket at all and he uses his car parking prowess as a defence mechanism. Aggressive and with a grim reluctance to want to be there, the main focus is on his escape plans because he is under strict instructions from wifey to be back in time for kids tea.

He is weary because he has fought his way round the aisles, battled with his conscience over whether to splash out on a DVD and a bottle of Jack Daniels and almost forgot the most essential items on his wife’s shopping list.

The single lone male shopper is easily spotted as the one clutching an armful of junk food and Stella, soon to be deposited on his passenger seat. He needs to get out of that car park quick and he is taking no prisoners because of the inevitable world cup match. His driving style is far from safe as he is distracted by the ambling yummy mummies, has one hand on the steering wheel and is also trying to stop his precious supplies from being scattered across the floor of the car as he does an emergency stop.

The lone male shopper needs to remember that supermarkets are open 24 hours a day and therefore there is no need for him to be there when I am.

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