Just buggy off please…I want to shop in peace!

Can someone please tell me why it has become necessary for baby buggies and prams to suddenly be transformed into mini versions of 4x4s?
Before I get into my stride with this pre-Christmas shopping rant I just want to make a worldwide and universal apology to anyone who, since 1996 when my first son was born, I may have pissed off while out shopping with a child in a buggy. I can’t remember any specific moments but then if I was behaving in any way like the mothers I encountered during my weekly sojurn to the shops this morning; I was probably away with the fairies. Anyway-apologies all round.
I know time is a great healer…and a great way to temporarily forget that once upon a time my children were little and in push chairs, but I am pretty damn sure that I never drove my children’s mini transportation systems over someone’s foot and then smiled triumphantly to my friend as if I had just won an Olympic gold.
Firstly, I have children and therefore by default I like them. I like mine, my closest friends and those belonging to other members of my family. Children in general however-not that keen to be honest-can take ‘em or leave ‘em. Children attached to smug, rich, bored yummy mummies who have nothing better to do that block the lounge wear aisle in The White Company and then push their enormous jeep sized buggy into me while saying “yes I AM trying to get through…WITH a buggy” without even asking if I could please move to one side-I really, really don’t like those ones at all.
I was wearing my beautiful new suede boots and she ran straight over me. And smirked while she did it. As well as being rude she was clearly envious of the fact that unlike her I was not hot, sweaty and red in the face with children begging me for a wee, and there was also clearly jealousy at the fact that I was wearing a little dress and knee high boots-her calves were so chunky she would be hard pressed to get a leg warmer round them.
Call me spiteful, I really don’t care. Babies in large, cumbersome, over expensive buggies should be banned from shops-in fact it’s not really the babies I have a problem with, it’s their mode of transport and the obnoxious non-working and clearly bored mothers who push them.
I can’t imagine for one second that any retailer is about to ban buggies-after all the majority of the yummies who push them are women whose only pleasures in life involve Boden, Kirsty Allsop and endless shopping trips and they have plenty of cash at their disposal.
So…my proposal is this. If you insist on buying prams the same size a Smart car you should pay pavement and aisle tax, you should have to take a pushing test to ensure you are aware of the width and length of your ‘vehicle’ and you should have reversing bleepers and headlights. Shops should also have buggy parks and the parents should be charged like in a normal car park.
A bit of common sense and some good manners would be quite a bonus as well. After all, it is Christmas…the season of goodwill to all men (and women trying to squeeze in their festive shopping during their lunch hour).

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