OK, so before all the animals rights people start a small protest outside my house, I would like to point out that I genuinely LOVE all animals. I can’t kill a wasp and even when my children were infested with nits I felt guilty removing them from their comfy, warm beds.(the nits, not my children-that’s another blog entirely)

However, I would like to know why my pets seem intent on destroying any chance I have of having a reasonably clean and fragrant smelling home.
We have a relatively new, nice green rug from Ikea purchased during Wimbledon fortnight and it does ACTUALLY resemble a tennis court (well apart from the white lines) but it is constantly targeted by the ‘petstapo’.
We have a labrador, Jack, who is about 9 but most definitely on some kind of special needs spectrum, has a serious eating disorder and is affectionately know as the attention seeking missile. His insecurity and jealously know no bounds.
Jack would eat his own leg if things got bad, and this week has chosen to consume a pot of chicken jalfrezi for elevenses. Jack struggles with the idea that he is not allowed to eat his bodyweight in snacks every 35 minutes and gets very stressed if he knows there is a bit of Sunday roast left lurking around in the kitchen. As a treat last week (before the jalfrezi incident) I treated him to a bone. It takes an average dog a few hours or even days to polish off your average bit of cows leg. Jack had decimated it within about 23 minutes and then was promptly sick all over the lovely, almost new, green rug.
So I won’t be doing that again. Jack also, technically, should be bald as I spend a large part of my day sweeping up his hair from the floor and removing it from clothes, food, furniture, light fittings…need I go on?
Now, Katie…she is probably about 28 or something and is a small, scruffy terrier.Katie is the great pretender as she allegedly came to us a year ago, allegedly ‘on her last legs.’ I don’t think so.
This dog is blind, deaf, smelly, mildly incontinent, struggles up steps and looks like an RSPCA advert, but the reality is, my friends, that the mere hint or even thought of a snack and she miraculously leaps from her bed (which she stole from Jack) and bounces across the kitchen to the snack area where she does a sort of dog ballet until she gets at least 15 Schmackos. She seems perfectly capable of doing this in a very coherent manner.So why then, does she decide to poo and wee all over the place and then walk in it? Most mornings I awake to a circuit of said substances that has been created around the kitchen table in the wee small hours as Katie has decided she must go to the loo and then well walk in it…I literally wade through the mire every morning and trust me, it’s not a great way to start the day.
Then there is the cat, Isabel. We recently treated ourselves to a beautiful velvet patchwork bedspread. The cat, who is obviously in charge, has decided she wants to destroy it and is currently on a mission to cover it in either hair, the entrails of dead rodents or vomit. Occasionally we even have the joy of a live, but terrified rodent to deal with. This usually happens at about 2.15am.
So, there we have it.Why do we have pets? They cost a fortune and I spend most of my time clearing up after them and dealing with their various behavioural issues. I think the pictures below make them look all adorable and cute, but do not be fooled…the devil lies beneath!



Published by Sarah Adams

I am the author of The Life Edit, an eight step personal development coaching programme that harnesses the power of journalling and writing to help people make transformational changes to their lives. I am also journalist and writer who has worked for newspapers, magazines, TV and online for the last 35 years, and an accredited personal development practitioner. I have written books, appeared on TV and radio and have worked in the world of corporate communications as a senior manager. I launched and ran The Community Media Group for ten years-this is a social enterprise that exists to produce professional, community newspapers in socially challenging areas as well as providing free training.

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